12:00 PMish on a working Wednesday.

Will + I just arrived @ a local coffee shop amongst other open laptop go’ers.

Deep terror rose in my throat as I looked at him and said ‘I need to go to the car + rest’.

He externally mirrored the role of my internal executioner.

With a scowl of judgement, he handed over the keys.

Reclining the drivers seat in the darkened parking garage, I whispered:

I allow myself to be protected.’

Because I still need help feeling safe in my decision to ‘not-do’.

It’s been years of consciously ‘not-doing’, of resting into me.

And I can’t say it’s gotten any easier.

45 minutes later, I walked back into that coffee shop.

Where Will was armed + ready to continue playing my inner slayer.

We left with incredible friction, creating the necessary charge for what came next.

{God bless him} >

Providing me the opportunity to find (+ scream) these words ::

‘I’M NOT ‘NOT-DOING’!!! I’m doing the hardest thing there is – to connect + trust it’s enough!’

In that moment, I believed myself.

Facing this fear for the 222932nd time has created adequate evidence.

That it’s safe to reside here.

That all my needs will be met.

I’m watching the shattering of victim + savior consciousness break apart alongside.

Frenzied overactive doing from the victim + false altruistic doing from the savior.

Both a mere stop over to knowing my power is in staying connected.

For when I am (when we are), we have the capacity to move water, change the information it holds, create coherence.

That’s no joke + I’m ready to wield it.

Fierceness is behind these words.

It must be if I wish this path.

Because consistent connection will churn up all the fear.

Bringing forward the false ways we as a people meet our needs.

My old ways of eradicating others discomfort cannot exist.

For much discomfort will arise.

And I’m finally OK with that.

I share this with you ::

To remember to ask for help feeling safe in ‘not-doing’. But it must be a discerning ask, not from a place of victim or you won’t receive the protection you’re after.

XO I love you guys, stay brave.

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