Will told me his mother was staying til Sunday.

My face went sheet white.

I thought her departure to be Saturday.

That disgusting familiar feeling of ‘get the hell away from me’ towered.

Anger turned to rage mounting on top of panic.

48 hrs vs 24 makes a HUGE difference.

To the parts binding my breath, gripping my organs.

To the parts hyperaware of the surface, of her.

I know the surface can’t hold me.

It never could.

What I don’t know, intimately enough, is the visceral feeling of what can.

I’m starting to.

I’m in the conscious entrainment period.

Yearning for the day where I’m held without any effort at all.

For now, as in the case last weekend, I find the bathrooms.

Where I can breathe with brakes on.

And cradle the spectrum of emotions tied to ‘get the hell away from me’.

The slowing alters the electromagnetic field of my heart, lining it up with the magnetics of our planet.

Earth draws it from me.

I’ve learned letting go is simple science.

Undeniable + full proof when I remember it.

The bathroom door handle now jiggled.

Will playfully trying to come in.

He’s always trying to come in, bless his venerating heart.

But I kept the door locked.

I’m sorry my love.

And I’m sorry to your mama.

And everyone I’ve energetically pushed away during these years of graceless undoing.

I’ve been salvaging a sustainable space to accommodate all of me.

So I can meet you in the only way that feels true.

Colossal patience is where I’m at.

Because I’m getting glimmers into the repercussions of being wholly held and they’re seismic.

It means I can live beyond the world of bathrooms in my full spectrum.

I can receive + let go instantaneously.

But it also means ‘I’ and my kept definition of self must depart.

Until I’m just moving + undulating.

From quiet to loud.

Introvert to extrovert.

Slow to fast.

Depending on what I feel.

Oh but than who am I?

I am, I guess.

The best part :: lifelong envy is fading.

It was the detained definition of me generating a false jealousy of you.

Genuine bows now possible.

Thank GOD.

{PS Billie, Wills mom, asked that I include ‘she’s not a fire breathing dragon just a two-headed cyclops’}

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