There’s this pressure I’ve always felt.
To be something.
Good. Grand, even.
It’s probably why I don’t enjoy being around most people.
I feel into their expectations.
Errr my expectations to be something ‘good’ in their presence.
And just like that, I lose me.
In the chameleon suit I’ve hung by the door.
Same goes for why I don’t relish the creative process.
I feel into the suspense.
To create something grand.
And again, I’ve lost me.
The higher the expectations, the greater the vanishing act.
Until I’m so far gone, I’m spinning out above ground.
It’s been a while since a full-on panic attack.
Until last week.
And the week before that, too.
When I went to write + illustrate my ‘weekly share’.
Clearly a story is up for exposure.
This part of the growth process I’ve grown familiar with.
The swelling of the story before it’s death.
Lying on the forest floor (my only way down from sheer terror), questions flashed.
Why the need to be ‘good’ around others?
Why the need to be ‘grand’ in what I share?
Why do I get tongue-tied + twisted?
Questions that don’t need answers.
What I need is breath.
I’m being asked to let go again.
Hands down the most menacing version of surrender to date.
Because I’ve gota let go of good me + grand me.
And in doing so stare down the fear driving it.
Even more daunting, feel the emotions trapping it in place.
Fears in the context of people ::
‘Will you love me’ if I don’t hold your pain?’
‘If I don’t smile, nod + tell you what you want to hear?’
‘If I’m not good?’
Fears in the creative process ::
‘Will you love me if I don’t share the ‘right’ thing?’
‘If I don’t create something beautiful, eloquent + evocative?’
‘If I’m not grand?’
Radical it is.
To see unconscious aspects of self still searching for love externally.
The rage of not wanting the pressure to be good, very present.
So too the competing dread of not being good.
Simultaneously here to be felt.
This is beyond theory of self-love.
This is the downright grimy + gritty application of it.
Am I OK with me?
OK enough to let go of good + grand?
I’m not sure.
One step closer.
This does not mean I will stop my ‘weekly shares’.
I’m going to keep sharing until the charge is gone.
And keep placing myself around humans until the charge is gone there too.
Because I want to enjoy both.
More accurately I want the freedom to be uncensored in all circumstances.
As free as the exposed figures I draw.
And that’s incentive to keep on keeping on.
The process to surrender is an interesting one. It’s not something we do. It’s something we arrive at. I’ve gotten pretty familiar with dropping into chaos and finding the order within. And there is definitely an order.
Laying out a roadmap so that you have a guide in your own periods of chaos::
- Notice any amplification of thoughts. A storyline that is becoming clear as day. When you feel these intensified thoughts arising, do your best to watch them. Receive the insights but know that you don’t know, yet. You’re early on in the game.
- There are emotions to be felt and any holding of insights will constrict you both energetically and physically.
- RED FLAG :: At this point in surrender you will want more, most. Use that hurried vibration as a sign post to spread your awareness.
- Get in your body. It needs you now more than ever. It needs you to soften the contractions. It needs you to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Death is passing, birth is coming. Hang loose, baby.
That’s what I got for this week my loves.