Have you ever had that frantic dream?
Of desperately trying to get somewhere but can’t?
Late to class but can’t find the classroom?
Trying to catch a flight but the terminals gone missing?
Variations of this dream haunt me regularly.
Panicked, hysterical + agitated, I never arrive.
This recurring nightmare is steadily shattering the idealist in me.
The one who thinks she knows the way to her destination.
Or that they’re even is one.
And as the idealist fragments, what’s fueling her is revealed.
A subtle desire for ‘more’.
It’s embarrassing + everywhere.
On all levels, ‘more’, decoded, looks like this::
Intellectually, a persistent seeking of information. Feverishly connecting insights.
Emotionally, a favoring of pleasantries. Shunning the heavy + chasing the light.
Physically, a craving to be without pain. Mitigating sensations + muting cravings.
Creatively/Spiritually, a dashing toward inspiration. Rushing to feel a rush.
I didn’t quite see you til’ now.
And now I am tempering your desire.
Because more implies taking in when I’m simply not ready.
It undermines the systematic ordering of things.
Disregards the importance of integration.
Maybe I couldn’t understand integration until I reached a critical point of inhabiting this body.
Integration can’t be palpable when we are floating somewhere above.
But there is indeed a necessary assimilation involved as we grow.
Rather as we are grown but what’s growing us.
And it happens on each of these levels in a methodical manner.
Synapses connecting, emotions processing, bodies waking, spirits opening.
Constant movement that’s quite tangible when present.
If we maintain panoramic view, ‘more’ becomes the red flag alerting us we’ve narrowed our lense.
This will delay growth.
And it will hurt.
A heck of a lot.
Speaking from experience.
The relationship between sensitivity, idealism + gut health is quite correlated. As someone who has worked to heal her digestive unrest since forever, I’m learning it might not be about the probiotics, bone broth and reduction of sugar. Not in totality anyhow. Maybe it’s not until we alter our very real beliefs around idealism that we will be able to properly integrate our food, emotions, experiences etc.
How to shift the idealist?
I’m not entirely sure as I’m sorta smack in this one. So here’s my advice to me (that I’m hoping will serve you as well)::
- Watch the subtle pull for ‘more’. Maybe it’s more food when you’ve already had enough or more money so that you can do this that or the other thing. It could be as innocent as wanting more love or more peace. It’s not so much about what as it is the over-zealous charge behind it. The charge is what prevents us from having it + ultimately integrating it.
- When you notice a pull – observe what level it’s emanating from. Is it intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual?
- Go panoramic. Expand your awareness so you may move beyond whatever level has a biased sense of knowing you need ‘more’.
- From this vantage there is space to look at the fear fueling it. And that’s when the charge begins to untangle. We can finally take in more because we are not trying to have it.
Let me know how this plays out of you. I’d love to hear.
All my love.
Until next week,